Old Flame But Fire Not There
Posted by: Shelia in Dating, Relationships, tags: Ask Oh Shelia
Dear Shelia,
I recently heard from an old flame. We went out a few times and had a good time. He’s suggesting we give it another try, but I’m not so sure. For me the chemistry is no longer there. He is really nice and I can tell that he’s changed so I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?
Signed Confused
Dear Confused,
I can understand you not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. If you have no intentions of getting back with your ex and he’s trying to rekindle old flames; it’s best to be blunt and honest. Otherwise you risk giving off mixed signals which could lead to more hurt feelings. Explain to your ex, you wish him nothing but the best; however you’ve moved on and suggest he does the same. Do it tactfully and hopefully you guys can continue to hold civil conversations. If he gets too emotional about it, you may have to cut all ties, more for your sake than his. My motto is “An Ex is an Ex for a Reason and shall remain an ex.”
But then again, it doesn’t mean things might not work out if you do decide to give him another try. Either way, honesty is the key. Be honest with yourself first and by all means be honest with him.
Thanks for reading today’s question at advice corner. I’m not a relationship expert, just a writer who writes about relationships. Feel free to add on your own opinion.
Entries (RSS)
May 1st, 2008 at 12:32 pm - Edit
u grew and moved on ,why tax urself with been there done that.
he is the one living in the past.perhaps he should try being ur friend this time instead of ur lover..peace wizthom
May 1st, 2008 at 2:14 pm - Edit
if the chemistry is no longer there, i don’t think she has any choice but to be perfectly honest. you know what they say - a person can deal with the truth better than a lie. honesty would be the best policy.
May 1st, 2008 at 2:17 pm - Edit
wow @ that rick james performace.
that was classic !!
rick was hurting though - just being “blunt and honest.” LOL.
drugs suck.
May 1st, 2008 at 8:08 pm - Edit
No you didn’t use Rick James and Teena Marie. Sometimes old flames may rekindle even when you least expect, be honest about your feeling, and be open about your expectations.
May 2nd, 2008 at 12:41 pm - Edit
Wizthom, I agree “perhaps he should try being ur friend this time instead of ur lover.”
Don, the truth is the only way to go. No sense of beating around the bush. P.S. - I remember watching the show when Rick & Teena performed…I got a chance to interview Teena Marie about it and if memory serves me correctly, she said it was impromptu.
Mrs. Grapevine, yes, I had to go there with Rick & Teena
But seriously, they should be honest about their feelings. We’re all on the same page–honesty is the key.
May 2nd, 2008 at 10:16 pm - Edit
Can not be said any better than Shela suggest. Please be honest ,cause someone can really get hurt mentally .Dont’ drag this.I am sure you would not want this if it was vice versa.
May 7th, 2008 at 9:45 pm - Edit
You certainly cannot fake chemistry. One of the things with old flames is that you remember who the person was, and then you fill in the missing blanks with who you want the person to be, then you tend to be disappointed.
May 14th, 2008 at 6:56 pm - Edit
Shelia, honestly if she ‘matured’ and no longer finds him of interests, then her appeal to him was when she wasn’t at a more secure place. She probably chose or attracted him b/c of where she was in life and now that she’s grown past that, the attraction is no longer there. If she feels he hasn’t changed, then he probably wants the person SHE USED to be back & not the woman she is today. So you’re right, she needs to be honest for self, b/c regardless of what he wants, she has to do what she feels is right for her. And old method. I just pray about the dude. if his intentions aren’t the BEST believe me… something will help where he’ll leave you alone or really ‘get on your nerves’. LOL People reveal themselves, so until she waits a little while and she’ll see his true colors.