Hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving. Where ever you are - I hope you’re staying safe and warm.

Hope you have a good week. Happy Thanksgiving!!! Enjoy the music.

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Last night I was a guest on the Dedan Tolbert Radio Show.

The interview can be listened to online. I came on about 30 minutes into the show, but the whole show was interesting…one topic-who should pay on the first date?

Check it out: www.blogtalkradio.com/dedantolbert

Dating these days isn’t as simple as it used to be. Even when a friend or family member introduce you to a potential mate, you have to be selective and interview them. You need to know more about them than what kind of car they drive, cell phone number and email address.

Before getting seriously involved with someone there are things you need to know before letting them into your innercircle. Have you met any of his family or friends? How do they interact? What is his religious preference? What information is he volunteering? Most men live by the motto: ”don’t ask, don’t tell,” so get your list together and the next time you’re face to face, ask. Ask, not interrogate. Be prepared however to answer the same questions honestly. It’s only fair.

If there’s any questionable things, why not invest $29.95 and do a background check. You’re probably saying if I have to go through that much trouble, why bother. Wrong. Think about it. If you were hiring an employee you would do a background check; so why not check out the guy you’re willing to bring into your world. Whether you pay $29.95 or ask probing questions to your potential mate and those who know him, check him out before making a committment. Wouldn’t it be nice to have 3 references as required when applying for a job?

 Single women everywhere are wondering where are the single men. As Comeback Girl said yesterday on her blog, they aren’t under your couch. So what is a single woman to do? Well, I have a few tips, I like to call the 5 B’s:

#2 on the list - Be Friendly. Nothing says “I’m approachable” like a big ol’ beautiful smile. If you’re in the store and pass by a man you find attractive, it doesn’t hurt to speak first. Don’t walk around frowning. Nobody wants to be around a sourpuss. A friendly gesture might be all it takes for your prince charming to give you a second look. 

To read my entire list, read You Don’t Have to Be Beyonce to Date a Jay Z

Where are the single men? In addition to The Comeback Girls 50 Places List, I would like to add you can find single men at:

• Library
• Post Office
• Wal-Mart
• Gas Station
• Weddings/Reception
• College Homecoming–attending alumni events
• Casinos –you don’t have to gamble to mingle
• House Parties
• Neighborhood - similar to the basketball court–while you’re out taking a walk…never know who you might meet (but heed to Comeback’s disclaimer: be careful…smile)

If you were to advise your single friends, where are other places they can meet other singles?

Can you go without? And I’m not talking about sex Can you go without your favorite technical gadgets?

I was over on Pure Roker’s blog today. He discussed the fact that Pres. Elect Obama will have to get rid of his BlackBerry. It made me think about how much technology plays an active role in a lot of our lives.

If you had to give up your BlackBerry, Ipod, Laptops, Internet, etc., how would you react?

You never know how much you depend on something until you don’t have access to it anymore. For example, when my cell phone broke, I didn’t have access to my contacts list. I was unreachable–nobody has my house number except annoying folks, so the house phone doesn’t count. I felt like a lost puppy. No texts, no phone calls…I could listen to messages, but folks weren’t leaving me their phone numbers. I eventually sent out a mass email alerting  folks to my dilemna.

Another time my DSL was out for a few days. I started having internet withdrawals like a feign. I am the first to admit that I’m addicted to the internet; not as much as I used to be; but the addiction to the internet is still there—I read my news, keep in contact with friends and collegues, check the gossip pages, visit blogs, research and the list goes on & on.

I can go without any of the modern technologies that I enjoy, but it sure would be hard.

What about you? Any horror stories of losing or going without your technical baby?

This is the 5th and final day of the “What Do Men Want” series. Thank you to all the men on the panel and to the ladies who stopped by this week. To wrap it up, Jason Slaughter has given me permission to post an excerpt of his new book - What Men Desire (and women need to know).  

What Men Desire (and women need to know) Excerpt:

The TouchI am reminded of a marriage where a certain issue was being addressed. In this particular case the husband after many years of marriage asked his wife why she never initiated sex in the marriage. She would always say because I don’t require it as much as you do, missing the whole point of the question. So he then responds, “Then how do I know when it is for you?”

In most acts of love making between a man and woman in a healthy relationship, the man wants to make sure in the process of making love to his wife that her sexual needs are also being satisfied. Ladies have you ever wondered why some men seemed to ask afterward did you get your orgasm in and if the answer is no men will immediately try and fulfill that need.

The reason he ask is because a man’s perception of love besides being sight and touch is the necessity to please his woman in every area of her existence, fulfilling his counter parts needs and desires are at the top of his list.

Why? Because in order for a man to feel like a man he has to be able to provide as well as meet every need sexually of the woman he loves and has committed his life to. The main point of the question concerning the man’s wife initiating the sex was not for the act itself but instead for the reassurance that he is meeting those needs and is still desirable to his wife.

Without this affirmation she only becomes a dumping ground for his sperm deposits and true growth is impossible. Where there is desire there is sacrifice and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship.

One of the dangers for men and women that are not affirmed in this matter is they can easily slip into fantasy which leads to many forms of pornography which then leads to masturbation which can be the first step in a destructive path to sexual addiction.

Mark Laser outlines in his book Faithful and True the process that happens in a sexual addicted person’s life. He talks about how fantasy allows men or women to create the perfect sexual partner and the experiences in their imagination which then can make it impossible for the spouse to measure up to what has been imagined. This is one of the reasons why pornography is unhealthy for relationships.

In the world of pornography you see a man or woman being totally satisfied in every area of sexual behavior, yet if your spouse is not into every fantasy fulfilled shown in the movie or magazine then you feel cheated and the experience of love making that was suppose to be pure has become tainted by images of an illusion trying to imitate reality.

This happens when either party in a marriage or relationship is not affirmed in his or her position of being desired and fulfilled. Men are not looking for the illusion of love we want the reality of it. No mind games, not the psychology of it but the manifestation of it through touch and affirmation.

Men are motivated by sight and touch when it comes to relationships women are motivated by things of the heart and driven by their emotions. This does not mean men are one facet only. However, you will find out in most marriages where there is a lot of touching those relationships seem to last longer and are less stress related.

Why? Because in touching him whether it is by rubbing his head, shoulders or even in a sexual manner, it enforces the concept in his mind that he is desirable. When you take the desire from the equation you place the man in the position to make bad decisions that end up having a negative impact on you. We are by nature loyal but weak. I believe this is one of the reasons why God said it is not good that man be alone, not just for the ability to relate but also because you are our helpmeet. You become our strength in the areas we are weak and vice versa. So what is the definition of a helpmeet?

The word helpmeet is seen in the Bible and it references the purpose of Woman. Helpmeet in the Hebrew means to aid, surround, protect, and secure. Aid with the vision, surround and protect with prayer and intersession, secure his mind by keeping his confidence about himself elevated through affirmation and the ability to nurture and care for him and family during the growth process.

In no way does this make woman inferior to man. They are equal. Where man is weak woman takes up the slack and where woman is weak man takes up the slack. Therefore, man in turn provides a covering for woman in the areas of Love, Knowledge, Security and Protection.

Love- in the physical (one body), emotional (one mind), relational (one heart)

Knowledge- teaching the wisdom and direction of God’s will for their lives spiritually since he represents the head.

Security- in the area of providing food, shelter and clothing.

Protection - against anything that would present itself as harmful or volatile to her existence or well being.

Now for women who are in relationships that have not turned into marriage yet, if you do not want to end up heartbroken because you have decided to affirm your man with words and touch and he hasn’t made the right decision concerning your heart and emotions my advice to you would be give affirmation without consummation.

Because your willingness to give of yourself alone will not change a man’s perception of you, if love was never in his mind then the fact that you make love to him only fulfills his needs and leaves you empty. Remember love is an act of selflessness, not selfishness.

For most women your complaint is that you cannot touch your husband without him wanting to go further so your logic is to stop touching him till you are ready to go all the way. I’m sure you have found out by now that this only brings on unwanted stress so what are you to do?

First understand that men cannot help it. Men are motivated and stimulated by sight and touch. Be willing to accept that first, and then communicate it to them that you wish to touch them without the intercourse occurring, “you just want to be held”. When you have made this statement you must still understand that even though he may try for a while to do what you have asked it may still end in the intercourse you were not looking for, because men cannot turn it on and off just as you cannot turn on and off a menstral cycle. But it is up to us as men not to fail every time this happens, we must use some restraint in order to meet the needs of our spouse when it comes to her need for purely a security touch.

A Thought

Where there is desire there is sacrifice, and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship.

 Jason Slaughter is the author of What Men Desire (and women need to know). To get your copy or learn more about the author, visit: http://65brendasplace.com/ or www.myspace.com/hitmaker63

Welcome to DAY FOUR of the special series - What Do Men Want?

Meet the panel:
Ralston, Age: 34, Occupation: Software Licensing Consultant
Tony, Age: 30’s, Occupation: Director of Operations for three mental health facilities
John, Age: 46, Occupation: Project Manager, Author
Dino, Occupation: Actor, Director
Luther, Age: 37, Occupation: Software Developer
Eathan from Idatewhite.com, Age: 39, Occupation: Sales/Business Owner
Eddie, Age: 44, Occupation: Salesman
SBM (aka SingleBlackMale.net), Age: 25, Occupation: Software Developer / IT Consultant

Today’s question:Why do you consider yourself a good man?

Ralston: I consider myself a good man because I’m mature, responsible, confident, driven, passionate, understanding, caring, loving, forgiving, uplifting, outspoken, and a few other things. But, overall, I’d simply say because I’ve been blessed to have had my father as an example.  

Tony: I am a good man because
1.I know who I am in life
2.I handle my financial life alone.
3.I have my own place to live, car, job and dreams.
4.I don’t lean on people.
5.I love the people who have shown love to me
6. I’m loyal to the people who are loyal to me.
7. I don’t lead women on. I let them know who I am and what I want. They have a choice to deal with me.

…those are some of the reasons….

John: I know how to love, support, provide, communicate, make love, be honest and loyal, be a friend, a partner, a listener, a problem-solver (and yes, that’s a part of a relationship), be in a lasting relationship, and be a man–very important. And I would never call myself a good man, only a man. A good man is in the eye of the beholder.

Dino: I put GOD first, and walk with Christ.

Luther: Yes I consider myself a good man. Perfect by no means but willing to put my mate and my children’s needs ahead of mine.

Eathan:  I’m honest…loyal…an active father… intelligent…smart…and attractive.

Eddie: I’m a good man because I believe in a committed relationship, respect all women not just my sweetheart and believe in great communication. I also love to have fun and consider myself a very great person with many hobbies and experiences that will make any women happy!

SBM: I consider myself a good man because at the end of the day, beyond my racy remarks, my jokes, and my often cynic disposition…I take care of my own; I can take care of whoever is in my life, and I am a loving individual beyond the crass exterior.  I haven’t become a great man yet…but it’s part of the 5 year plan…I’ll get there.

Welcome to DAY THREE of the special series - What Do Men Want?

Meet the panel:

Ralston, Age: 34, Occupation: Software Licensing Consultant
Tony, Age: 30’s, Occupation: Director of Operations for three mental health facilities
John, Age: 46, Occupation: Project Manager, Author
Dino, Occupation: Actor, Director
Luther, Age: 37, Occupation: Software Developer
Eathan from Idatewhite.com, Age: 39, Occupation: Sales/Business Owner
Eddie, Age: 44, Occupation: Salesman
SBM (aka SingleBlackMale.net), Age: 25, Occupation: Software Developer / IT Consultant

Today’s question:  What would make a good woman more appealing to a man?

Ralston: Again, the Biblical cliche’ for this one is “A Proverbs 31 woman”. For me, a good woman is one who first and foremost knows who she is and loves herself dearly and completely. If those two are the essence of her foundation, then there’s no need to create a list/expound on my definition.
 

Tony: Like my last statement, “Good Woman” means something different to most men. To me a good woman is one that is honest, respects herself and others, business orientated, can handle her own financial affairs, loyal to the man she loves, not drama oriented, and someone who loves their loved ones.

John: See the first question

A woman I can call my own who will let me love her unconditionally and vice versa, she does the same. A woman who can be independent (if she must), but also recognize and realize a relationship is a union of two hearts acting and loving as one. A woman who knows the meaning of the word support and the phrase, I will always be there for you. A woman who is beyond the games in life and realize life is meant to be lived, enjoyed, cherished and loved.

Dino: A woman who really puts GOD first.

Luther: See answer #1.

We are very simple creatures. Not really driven by emotions. A man is really easy to please. We do not want too much in relationships. By that I mean one that has too many requirements. We never really grow up. Give us some room to go and play sometimes. Good sex, a meal and an occasional Poker night with the boys makes me happy. A woman that has goals in life; a woman that looks through godly eyes; not seeing all the bad habits of her man, but looks to enhance the good attributes of her man.

Eathan:  Now-a-days…if she can cook. I hear that from alot of my friends…women don’t cook or think much about the normal household stuff.

Eddie: A good woman needs to define what she wants and make sure she treats a man like she would like to be treated. She should be honest, forth right and confident in herself.

SBM: This is the million dollar question but there is no blanket answer.  Every guy values things differently. For a “soul searching” individual like myself whose still not sure what I want from my future wife; for me, the one thing that no doubt will make a good woman more appealing … great head (yes … I said it).

Welcome to DAY TWO of the special series - What Do Men Want?

Meet the panel:

Ralston, Age: 34, Occupation: Software Licensing Consultant
Tony, Age: 30’s, Occupation: Director of Operations for three mental health facilities
John, Age: 46, Occupation: Project Manager, Author
Dino, Occupation: Actor, Director
Luther, Age: 37, Occupation: Software Developer
Eathan from Idatewhite.com, Age: 39, Occupation: Sales/Business Owner
Eddie, Age: 44, Occupation: Salesman
SBM (aka SingleBlackMale.net), Age: 25, Occupation: Software Developer / IT Consultant

Today’s question: Why do good men love the “bad girls”?

Ralston: Very interesting dynamic that you pose. Simple cliche’ says that opposites attract, but I think it’s just an intrinsic nature to want balance, and often times that balance comes in the form of an opposite.

Tony: Well, I can’t speak for all, but some people in general feel that a “bad girl” or “bad guy” brings safety, security, drama, and excitement to the relationship. Of course it’s a misconception but there are people who feel this way. That is why you will hear someone say “so and so is nice but they are boring.” Think about that for a minute. Personally, I like a “good woman,” whatever that means.

John: The same reason good women love bad men–the perception of more exciting and adventurous times. It’s all about the bad girl will keep it real and do anything. The freak in the bedroom myth.

Dino: Not all men. I do not; it’s a headache.

Luther: Because they are sexually simulating.

Eathan:  Most men like the challenge. Lots of good men have never had the bad girl…so they want the excitement and the thrill.  Some of us good men have already been bad boys in the past…so the bad girl isn’t a challenge.

Eddie: I don’t; perhaps this one relates to a certain age group.

SBM: Uh … when did this get confirmed?  I will admit that there are a few draws to bad girls: perceived “super freak,” source of excitement in dull life, and moreso “ride or die” for her man than your average “good” black woman … but I’m not even sure what constitutes a “bad girl” … lol.

Donna Summer - Bad Girls