Secrets and lies in relationships – Is it ever okay to keep your past hidden?
By Guest Blogger Rhonda McKnight
I’ve been fortunate to have been blessed with nice skin, so whenever I have a pimple on my face it’s a major intrusion. I hate that toxic, bacteria and whatever else is in there brewing under the surface of my skin. But to keep from the dreaded thing from scaring, I don’t touch it. I always wait until the pimple comes to a head and burst on its own. Once the gook is out, I know that if I don’t pick or scratch at the ugly abomination, my skin will eventually return to its clear, smooth state.
I liken this to the hidden issues people bring into relationships. They’re toxins and bacteria that are growing under the surface waiting to erupt and spill their gook. But will everything go back to its normal state if the hidden issues are discovered rather than shared? Or will the source of the information pick and scratch at the heart of the person who feels deceived and betrayed?
Most couples will experience a communication problem at some point in their relationships. When you’re in a relationship, it is normal for there to be things you don’t what to talk about or things you don’t know how to share. However, not sharing, not talking diminishes the ability to experience true intimacy with each other and may even be the root of behavior one spouse or partner doesn’t understand. The unspoken words and unspoken truths between us often build forming a divide between our hearts and our spirits. This makes it impossible for the relationship to continue to be healthy and satisfying.
Sometimes the lack of communication is unintentional. A spouse or partner doesn’t think an issue is important enough to discuss. But other times it is intentional, because maybe someone has trouble dealing with conflict, so they don’t always share when they know they should. But there are times it goes a little deeper. Sometimes it’s a deliberate decision to deceive. We’ve got secrets and we’re telling lies to keep those secrets. Or in the case of the characters in my debut novel, Secrets and Lies, we’ve got past hurts and we don’t trust the love of our life with our pain.
Communication is critical in relationships, but the only thing worse than a lack of communication is secrets and lies between you. So now let’s discuss this.
· Have you ever kept a secret from your significant other and if so why? Or have you been the person kept in the dark? Why do you think your spouse/significant other wouldn’t share?
· What kind of damage do you think it did to your relationship?
· Do you believe what’s done or kept in the dark always comes to the light?
· Why do you think some people struggle with sharing incidents from their childhood?
· Do you believe you owe it to your spouse/significant other to tell them about childhood pain?
I‘d love for you to take the literary journey with my characters and find out how they resolve their issues, or if they resolve them. Here’s the synopsis for Secrets and Lies:
Faith Morgan is struggling with her faith. Years of neglect leave her doubting that God will ever fix her marriage. When a coworker accuses her husband, Jonah, of the unthinkable, Faith begins to wonder if she really knows him at all, and if it’s truly in God’s will for them to stay married.
Pediatric cardiologist Jonah Morgan is obsessed with one thing: his work. A childhood incident cemented his desire to heal children at any cost, even his family, but now he finds himself at a crossroads in his life. Will he continue to allow the past to haunt him, or find healing and peace in a God he shut out long ago?
Rhonda McKnight is the owner of Legacy Editing, a free-lance editing service for fiction writers and Urban Christian Fiction Today (www.urbanchristianfictiontoday.com), a popular Internet site that highlights African-American Christian fiction. Originally from a small, coastal town in New Jersey, she’s called Atlanta, Georgia home for twelve years. Secrets and Lies is her first novel. You maybe find out more about her at www.rhondamcknight.net and www.facebook.com/rhondamcknight
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Filed under: Books • Relationships
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Thanks for having me on your site today Shelia. I appreciate your support.
Blessings,
Rhonda
Good morning, Rhonda and Sheila.
Let’s see…
· Have you ever kept a secret from your significant other and if so why? Or have you been the person kept in the dark? Why do you think your spouse/significant other wouldn’t share?
I never keep secrets. I feel this is more initiative for her not to keep any secrets as well. Yes I have been kept in the dark about things. Unfortunately I have. I think she was ashamed not that I would judge her or whatever, but simply embarrassed that her past consisted of such. My take.
· What kind of damage do you think it did to your relationship?
Lost all trust.
· Do you believe what’s done or kept in the dark always comes to the light?
Yes, I am a firm believer of this. It has happened over and over again. I think what one puts out into the atmosphere will find it’s way back. Karma, I suppose.
· Why do you think some people struggle with sharing incidents from their childhood?
Because everyone wants to be accepted not for the past but for the present. Again, my take.
· Do you believe you owe it to your spouse/significant other to tell them about childhood pain?
Umm, it depends. It just all depends.
Don,
I’m in agreement with you on all counts. Especially on the Karma point. I also believe that what’s dark comes to light.
I’m curious about the childhood pain answer. Depends on what?
Thanks for joining the discussion.
In the case of people about to get married or who are currently married I suppose it might be good to spill the beans but not if you are just dating. In my current relationship both of us have been keeping secrets. Eventually of course what is hidden in the dark comes to the light like it did last month. So at that point we retreated to our respective corners but recently we have been slowly re-evaluating our relationship.
This is going to sound strange but we have an open relationship. Neither one of us saw any reason to just date each other exclusively, however he neglected to tell his girlfriend about this. Doesn’t bother me, but I bet she cursed him out in their language. He’s from Eastern Europe so frankly he can be doing or saying anything because his English is poor and I don’t speak his language.
Frankly like the song says, I don’t care about the other girl, just be good to me. However is she knew anything about soul music she would be singing, Don’t go to strangers. She does not know it but when something is bothering him or he needs to bounce ideas off someone, well that someone is me.
Sounds like a chapter in a Romance novel, but that’s my life, a living soap opera.
Believe it or not in a way I actually thrive from this serial romance drama.
Maybe I don’t want a committed relationship because I was abused in my previous serious relationship. Oh yes I’m hiding plenty from this man. Maybe more than he is hiding from me. Yes Life is all about the games people play and women are better at playing games than men, whether American or European, we’re just better.
Deborah,
I think your answer definitely brings the point home that in a serious relationship those things that are hidden can affect how someone behaves in the relationship. Someone who thrives on “romantic drama” might not be a good mate for someone who doesn’t.
Communication about who we are, where we’ve been and what we want is key.
Thanks for commenting.
Blessings,
Rhonda
This blog writing was so on time and on point for me… you really have no idea. Thanks alot for creating it. Such powerful and wonderful content.