The internet has become the new way to meet people; whether looking for a casual or long-term relationship. Although dating is dating, virtual dating adds an extra element. There are pros and cons to virtual dating.
Pro - You get to learn a few things about the person before meeting them in person.
Con - The person on the other end of the computer may not be who they say they are.
Pro - Both parties are given a chance to be attracted to the inner beauty and not be blindsided by the person’s physical attributes.
Con - A picture or description can be fabricated and what you see when you actually meet might not be who you envisioned.
Pro - You don’t have to leave the comfort of your home.
Con - It can be anti-social and you won’t be able to see how the other person acts in a social setting.
Overall when it comes to virtual dating safety is important. Although you may chat, instant message, etc. on a daily basis, in reality you still don’t know the person. If you decide to meet in person, someone close to you should have all of the other person’s information just in case something happens. I would even suggest that not only do you meet in a public place but take a friend along with you (even if the friend sits at another table).
Beware, the person on the other end of the computer screen can be whoever they want to be while hiding behind a screen name.
Virtual dating doesn’t always mean real! Virtual dating can be fun, but it can’t replace face to face interaction.
We’d all like to bypass the hurt and pain of choosing the wrong mate. If we could avoid the men and women who aren’t a match for us and engage someone who will celebrate us and appreciate what we bring to the table instead of someone who comes into our lives just to take whatever they can get, we would. Let me first clear up the thought that there is a simple formula to finding your soul mate—there isn’t. On the bright side, there are steps we can take that will not only prepare us mentally, emotionally and spiritually for the right relationship, but teach us how to “tune in” so we don’t miss it when the right one comes along.
Stop Looking. So many of us spend endless hours looking across the room or scanning a crowded party trying to make eye contact because we feel that it’s the only way we’ll ever find someone interesting. We spend so much time looking outward when really the search to finding someone who will compliment us starts inward. What do you want to do in life? Are you meeting your own goals? So many people are miserable when they couple up because they spent so much time seeking someone else and little or no time fleshing out their own hopes and dreams. Make yourself the focus first. That’s what being single is about. Once you get a handle on you, your likes and dislikes and what you want to do in life, it is far less likely that you will couple up with someone who doesn’t mirror the things you desire. Knowing your own purpose is the best way to be able to eliminate the counterfeits when they approach you.
Appreciate People Just As They Are. This is hard for some people because the media has us brainwashed into seeking perfection in everybody we meet. We want a Denzel face, Angelina lips, Janet Jackson body and a Bill Gates wallet, but we should appreciate everybody we meet even if we don’t consider them a potential mate. These same people can end up being potential business contacts, lifelong friends or so much more. But when we become totally enamored with the outer appearance, the car someone drives, the kind of job they have or other material things rather than bypassing those things and having a heart to heart with them, it actually speaks more of our own inadequacies than theirs. We want someone who has these things because deep down we don’t believe we’re enough. So, get those airbrushed men and women out of your minds. Real men and women don’t look like Hollywood stars in magazines anyway. The package that you’re demanding your perfect mate fit into may come with a rotten personality or abusive behavior. Broaden your mind so that you’re getting the total package of love—not just an empty shell.
Be Approachable. This goes with “appreciating people” part, but delves even deeper than that. If the perfect man or woman walked up on some of us today they would have to turn around and leave without the love they came for because too many of us aren’t approachable. We’ve been hurt and betrayed before and it shows on our face and in our body language because we are wounded and haven’t healed. We twist up our lips, we give them the death stare, we huff and puff and our answers are short and clipped as if we’d rather be wrestling alligators than having an interesting conversation with a potential someone. Who wants to get to know anybody who acts like that? We’ve all encountered hurt, but it’s unfair to make someone who may be interested in us go hacking through our walls and protective outer shell before they can even get close enough for a hello. This friendly stranger hasn’t wronged you. If you’re going to engage someone at least be decent enough to give them the clean slate that you’d expect them to give you upon first meeting. Put your armor down. Trust me, being pleasant and being cordial to people you meet doesn’t mean you’re gullible or being a push over. It simply makes you more pleasant to be around and it means that you’ve healed enough from your past to be out there safely dating again without hurting anybody.
Listen to That Still Small Voice. We all come equipped with a sense of intuition, we just have to tap into it. Sometimes we know right out of the gate that the person we are interested in is no good for us. But a lot of times we allow loneliness, the thrill of the chase, the pretty package they come in or the fact that we’re home on a Friday night to con us into being with someone we wouldn’t normally engage. Substitutes are great for people who want to spend their entire relationship acting like they’re totally into someone they could care less about. Fortunately though, the best way to find “the person” for you is to “wait” and stop accepting substitutes. If the soul mate comes while you’re engaging a counterfeit or substitute they’re likely to do an about face and you’ll miss your chance. Don’t allow your impatience to make you miss out on the experience of the real thing. When you meet that special person that still small voice will let you know, and they’ll definitely be more satisfying than someone you just took up with to warm a spot on your sofa in front of the DVD player.
Read The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate. This isn’t a sales pitch. The whole reason why even in my own personal reading time I’ve gravitated more towards reading non-fiction is because people everywhere are governing their lives like characters in novels and on their favorite television shows and have forgotten how to initiate lasting and fulfilling relationships. The book uses real life experiences of women who have had issues in relationships and uses spiritual advice to help the reader get their lives back on track, where love and understanding God’s design for marriage and relationships is concerned.
Remember love doesn’t need a map to find you. You only need be receptive to it.
Linda Dominique Grosvenor has made her foray into non-fiction with the inspirational smash hit The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate. Her expertise on dating and relationship issues has been used in articles for publications such as Modern Bride, Jolie, Jewel, Honey and MORE Magazine. For a chance to win one of seven (7) free copies of The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate in the February, 2008 giveaway join her mailing list by sending a blank email to princessdominiqueunplugged-subscribe@yahoogroups.com before February 28, 2008. Log on to her official website at www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com for details on how to request a free excerpt of The Plural Thing.
For the next few weeks, I’ll be posting the best of the best so enjoy and chime in.
Dating and the Job Interview
By Shelia M. Goss
Dating these days isn’t as simple as it used to be. Even when a friend or family member introduce you to a potential mate, you have to be selective and interview them. You need to know more about them than what kind of car they drive, cell phone number and email address.
Before getting seriously involved with someone there are things you need to know before letting them into your innercircle. Have you met any of his family or friends? How do they interact? What is his religious preference? What information is he volunteering? Most men live by the motto: ”don’t ask, don’t tell,” so get your list together and the next time you’re face to face, ask. Ask, not interrogate. Be prepared however to answer the same questions honestly. It’s only fair.
If there’s any questionable things, why not invest $29.95 and do a background check. You’re probably saying if I have to go through that much trouble, why bother. Wrong. Think about it. If you were hiring an employee you would do a background check; so why not check out the guy you’re willing to bring into your world. Whether you pay $29.95 or ask probing questions to your potential mate and those who know him, check him out before making a committment. Wouldn’t it be nice to have 3 references as required when applying for a job?
Respect is very important to any relationship. If you’re with a man who doesn’t respect you, he will misuse you and might even abuse you. He won’t be able to show you compassion nor will he bother to try to understand you. A man who doesn’t respect you is selfish. So what must you do? You must respect yourself first and not allow anyone else to disrespect you. Why be with a man who outwardly shows via his actions (and sometimes verbally) that he has no respect for you? You can’t make anyone respect you but you sure can demand it. If the person refuses to give and show you the respect that you feel you deserve, then keep it moving.
On another note, it seems that the younger generation have a bad habit of disrespecting their elders. There used to be a time when a youngster wouldn’t dare talk back to any older person regardless if it was their parents or not. Now, if you say something to a child, he might try to beat you up (just check out youtube if you don’t believe me). What happened to this generation? We’re growing up a generation of kids who don’t have respect for themselves, thus they disrespect others including and not limited to their parents, teachers and other adults.
People in general need to respect each other’s differences. We are all unique. Time out for disrespecting someone just because their viewpoint is different.
Aretha Franklin said in her hit song “Respect” ‘find out what it means to me.’What does respect mean to you?
Lately I’ve been having conversations with people who are playing one or more of these roles with the opposite sex. There comes a point however that we have to evaluate our relationships and de-tox. I’ve said what I have posted here before but it’s worth repeating. As women, we naturally want to play the role of rescuer and it must stop–immediately.
Here’s a list of 5 types of personality traits that you should avoid: (If you see yourself as one of these, it’s time to reevaluate.)
The Rescuer - Do you find yourself trying to rescue a man from this or that and most of the time himself? Enough already.
The Nurturer - Are you his mama? No, so why play the dual role of lover/mama…sounds perverted doesn’t it…so stop.
The Warden - Okay, now don’t get mad, but having your man on a strict schedule sounds like there are trust issues. If you have to monitor his every move, then maybe he’s not the man for you.
The Dog Catcher - Bow wow…need I say more…you know he’s a dog, he was dating three other women when you met him, but you still allow him into your heart.
The Landlord - Time is precious. Have fun, but be wise. Why let someone rent space in your heart when you know they are not the one.
I’m sure there are other personality types I could touch on, but these five are the ones that come to mind and if you don’t watch it you’ll be caught up in a toxic relationship.
What other personality traits should you be aware of that could lead to a toxic relationship?
Have you ever broken up with a guy and then days, weeks, or months later gotten back together? Did anything change that second time around? As I look back on the times that I went back to an ex, I realize now that in most cases, it was a huge mistake. After awhile, one or both of us was back to doing whatever it was that caused us to break up in the first place.
There was a time I was “so in love” with this particular guy that we had this on again/off again relationship for a few years. The last and final time we broke up, I FINALLY realized that he was like a bad habit–hard to get rid of. To break that unhealthy cycle, I couldn’t put the blame on him, but did some self-reflection. I had to love me more and realize that it was unhealthy to be in a “yo-yo” type relationship. It wasn’t easy at first, but one day became a week and the next thing you know–it’s years later.
I don’t regret the decision I made to end things with him that final time because once I let go and didn’t allow him back into my life, my life was so much better. He had not months, but several years to show me that he was the man for me. Although he supposedly was hurting when I made that decision to end it, he no longer tried to convince me othewise.
I’ve been in other relationships since then and there were times I was tempted to GO BACK with an EX, but I didn’t. One lesson I learned is that AN EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON and should remain an EX.
I know it’s easier in this day and age to deal with someone you have history with than meeting someone new. With someone new, you don’t know what you’re going to get. But then on the other hand, with an EX, you do know what you’re getting and remember there’s a reason why they are an EX. So is it really worth your peace of mind, just to say that you’re in a relationship? If I were to answer for myself, I would say “NO.” Being free of an EX is freeing you up to learn more about yourself–taking time to love yourself more–and possibly opening the door for love from the person that God has for you.
Have you ever gone back with an ex? Did things change the second time around for better or worse? If you had to do it all over again, would you have not gone back?
I recently heard from an old flame. We went out a few times and had a good time. He’s suggesting we give it another try, but I’m not so sure. For me the chemistry is no longer there. He is really nice and I can tell that he’s changed so I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?
Signed Confused
Dear Confused,
I can understand you not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings. If you have no intentions of getting back with your ex and he’s trying to rekindle old flames; it’s best to be blunt and honest. Otherwise you risk giving off mixed signals which could lead to more hurt feelings. Explain to your ex, you wish him nothing but the best; however you’ve moved on and suggest he does the same. Do it tactfully and hopefully you guys can continue to hold civil conversations. If he gets too emotional about it, you may have to cut all ties, more for your sake than his. My motto is “An Ex is an Ex for a Reason and shall remain an ex.”
But then again, it doesn’t mean things might not work out if you do decide to give him another try. Either way, honesty is the key. Be honest with yourself first and by all means be honest with him.
Thanks for reading today’s question at advice corner. I’m not a relationship expert, just a writer who writes about relationships. Feel free to add on your own opinion.
The internet has become the new way to meet people; whether looking for a casual or long-term relationship. Although dating is dating, virtual dating adds an extra element. There are pros and cons to virtual dating.
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