During the week, friends or associates send me funny things that I will start sharing with you all–I’ll call them Friday Funny . Here’s something to get your weekend started. Warning: You will laugh–so keep reading to the end

Dear Wife: 

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve
been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.  These
last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the
last straw.  Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers.  You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps.  You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you
don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.  Either
you are cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case,
I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me.  Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! 
Have a great life!
       

Dear Ex-Husband:       

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is
a far cry from what you’ve been..  I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining & griping – too bad that doesn’t work.  I
DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that
came to mind was, ‘You look just like a girl!’  Since my mother raised me
“not to say anything if you can’t say something nice,” I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.  About those
new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was
still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just
borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out.  So
when I hit the Lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica .  But when I got home, you were gone.  Everything
happens for a reason, I guess.
 
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.  My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S.  I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.  I hope that’s not a problem.

~AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Thanks Michelle for sending this to me and providing a few laughs:

01. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

04. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

05. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force.’ It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
~ Author Unknown

A lot has happened this week. Thought you all could use a good laugh. This dude does a great Denzel Washington impersonation. 

It’s the weekend y’all!!!

After a week of higher gas prices, stocks plummetting, banks crashing, and Jesse getting caught using the N word, we need a little laughter. Check out the joke my friend Kem sent me last week. 

Little Johnny Strikes Again…The teacher asked the class to use the
word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence .
Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my grandad’s
farm,and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating’.
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating’.
Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and
I was fascinated’.
The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word fascinate’.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before.She finally decided there was no way
he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, ‘My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight’.
The teacher sat down and cried.

THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money, and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Thanks Kem for the joke – “Modern who’s on first…”

 If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
“Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal, what do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTE LLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START