This is the 5th and final day of the “What Do Men Want” series. Thank you to all the men on the panel and to the ladies who stopped by this week. To wrap it up, Jason Slaughter has given me permission to post an excerpt of his new book – What Men Desire (and women need to know).  

What Men Desire (and women need to know) Excerpt:

The Touch
I am reminded of a marriage where a certain issue was being addressed. In this particular case the husband after many years of marriage asked his wife why she never initiated sex in the marriage. She would always say because I don’t require it as much as you do, missing the whole point of the question. So he then responds, “Then how do I know when it is for you?”

In most acts of love making between a man and woman in a healthy relationship, the man wants to make sure in the process of making love to his wife that her sexual needs are also being satisfied. Ladies have you ever wondered why some men seemed to ask afterward did you get your orgasm in and if the answer is no men will immediately try and fulfill that need.

The reason he ask is because a man’s perception of love besides being sight and touch is the necessity to please his woman in every area of her existence, fulfilling his counter parts needs and desires are at the top of his list.

Why? Because in order for a man to feel like a man he has to be able to provide as well as meet every need sexually of the woman he loves and has committed his life to. The main point of the question concerning the man’s wife initiating the sex was not for the act itself but instead for the reassurance that he is meeting those needs and is still desirable to his wife.

Without this affirmation she only becomes a dumping ground for his sperm deposits and true growth is impossible. Where there is desire there is sacrifice and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship.

One of the dangers for men and women that are not affirmed in this matter is they can easily slip into fantasy which leads to many forms of pornography which then leads to masturbation which can be the first step in a destructive path to sexual addiction.

Mark Laser outlines in his book Faithful and True the process that happens in a sexual addicted person’s life. He talks about how fantasy allows men or women to create the perfect sexual partner and the experiences in their imagination which then can make it impossible for the spouse to measure up to what has been imagined. This is one of the reasons why pornography is unhealthy for relationships.

In the world of pornography you see a man or woman being totally satisfied in every area of sexual behavior, yet if your spouse is not into every fantasy fulfilled shown in the movie or magazine then you feel cheated and the experience of love making that was suppose to be pure has become tainted by images of an illusion trying to imitate reality.

This happens when either party in a marriage or relationship is not affirmed in his or her position of being desired and fulfilled. Men are not looking for the illusion of love we want the reality of it. No mind games, not the psychology of it but the manifestation of it through touch and affirmation.

Men are motivated by sight and touch when it comes to relationships women are motivated by things of the heart and driven by their emotions. This does not mean men are one facet only. However, you will find out in most marriages where there is a lot of touching those relationships seem to last longer and are less stress related.

Why? Because in touching him whether it is by rubbing his head, shoulders or even in a sexual manner, it enforces the concept in his mind that he is desirable. When you take the desire from the equation you place the man in the position to make bad decisions that end up having a negative impact on you. We are by nature loyal but weak. I believe this is one of the reasons why God said it is not good that man be alone, not just for the ability to relate but also because you are our helpmeet. You become our strength in the areas we are weak and vice versa. So what is the definition of a helpmeet?

The word helpmeet is seen in the Bible and it references the purpose of Woman. Helpmeet in the Hebrew means to aid, surround, protect, and secure. Aid with the vision, surround and protect with prayer and intersession, secure his mind by keeping his confidence about himself elevated through affirmation and the ability to nurture and care for him and family during the growth process.

In no way does this make woman inferior to man. They are equal. Where man is weak woman takes up the slack and where woman is weak man takes up the slack. Therefore, man in turn provides a covering for woman in the areas of Love, Knowledge, Security and Protection.

Love- in the physical (one body), emotional (one mind), relational (one heart)

Knowledge- teaching the wisdom and direction of God’s will for their lives spiritually since he represents the head.

Security- in the area of providing food, shelter and clothing.

Protection – against anything that would present itself as harmful or volatile to her existence or well being.

Now for women who are in relationships that have not turned into marriage yet, if you do not want to end up heartbroken because you have decided to affirm your man with words and touch and he hasn’t made the right decision concerning your heart and emotions my advice to you would be give affirmation without consummation.

Because your willingness to give of yourself alone will not change a man’s perception of you, if love was never in his mind then the fact that you make love to him only fulfills his needs and leaves you empty. Remember love is an act of selflessness, not selfishness.

For most women your complaint is that you cannot touch your husband without him wanting to go further so your logic is to stop touching him till you are ready to go all the way. I’m sure you have found out by now that this only brings on unwanted stress so what are you to do?

First understand that men cannot help it. Men are motivated and stimulated by sight and touch. Be willing to accept that first, and then communicate it to them that you wish to touch them without the intercourse occurring, “you just want to be held”. When you have made this statement you must still understand that even though he may try for a while to do what you have asked it may still end in the intercourse you were not looking for, because men cannot turn it on and off just as you cannot turn on and off a menstral cycle. But it is up to us as men not to fail every time this happens, we must use some restraint in order to meet the needs of our spouse when it comes to her need for purely a security touch.

A Thought

Where there is desire there is sacrifice, and a sacrifice given in love will always reap the benefits of a healthy marriage or relationship.

 Jason Slaughter is the author of What Men Desire (and women need to know). To get your copy or learn more about the author, visit: http://65brendasplace.com/ or www.myspace.com/hitmaker63