Lately I’ve been having conversations with people who are playing one or more of these roles with the opposite sex.  There comes a point however that we have to evaluate our relationships and de-tox.  I’ve said what I have posted here before but it’s worth repeating. As women, we naturally want to play the role of rescuer and it must stop–immediately.

Here’s a list of 5 types of personality traits that you should avoid: (If you see yourself as one of these, it’s time to reevaluate.)

The Rescuer - Do you find yourself trying to rescue a man from this or that and most of the time himself? Enough already.

The Nurturer - Are you his mama? No, so why play the dual role of lover/mama…sounds perverted doesn’t it…so stop.

The Warden - Okay, now don’t get mad, but having your man on a strict schedule sounds like there are trust issues. If you have to monitor his every move, then maybe he’s not the man for you.

The Dog Catcher - Bow wow…need I say more…you know he’s a dog, he was dating three other women when you met him, but you still allow him into your heart.

The Landlord - Time is precious. Have fun, but be wise. Why let someone rent space in your heart when you know they are not the one.

I’m sure there are other personality types I could touch on, but these five are the ones that come to mind and if you don’t watch it you’ll be caught up in a toxic relationship.

What other personality traits should you be aware of that could lead to a toxic relationship?

Have you ever broken up with a guy and then days, weeks, or months later gotten back together? Did anything change that second time around? As I look back on the times that I went back to an ex, I realize now that in most cases, it was a huge mistake. After awhile, one or both of us was back to doing whatever it was that caused us to break up in the first place.

There was a time I was “so in love” with this particular guy that we had this on again/off again relationship for a few years. The last and final time we broke up, I FINALLY realized that he was like a bad habit–hard to get rid of. To break that unhealthy cycle, I couldn’t put the blame on him, but did some self-reflection. I had to love me more and realize that it was unhealthy to be in a “yo-yo” type relationship. It wasn’t easy at first, but one day became a week and the next thing you know–it’s years later.

I don’t regret the decision I made to end things with him that final time because once I let go and didn’t allow him back into my life, my life was so much better. He had not months, but several years to show me that he was the man for me. Although he supposedly was hurting when I made that decision to end it, he no longer tried to convince me othewise.

I’ve been in other relationships since then and there were times I was tempted to GO BACK with an EX, but I didn’t. One lesson I learned is that AN EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON and should remain an EX.

I know it’s easier in this day and age to deal with someone you have history with than meeting someone new. With someone new, you don’t know what you’re going to get. But then on the other hand, with an EX, you do know what you’re getting and remember there’s a reason why they are an EX. So is it really worth your peace of mind, just to say that you’re in a relationship? If I were to answer for myself, I would say “NO.” Being free of an EX is freeing you up to learn more about yourself–taking time to love yourself more–and possibly opening the door for love from the person that God has for you.

Have you ever gone back with an ex? Did things change the second time around for better or worse? If you had to do it all over again, would you have not gone back?

Lauryn Hill’s - Ex Factor

Today I’m featured on APOOO’s website during the Every Day is Mother’s Day Tour.  I wrote An Open Letter to My Role Model and would like to share it with you all here.

There’s a little contest going on too, so I really REALLY need for you to leave a comment :). Share some of your own experiences good or bad or just let me know you read it :) 

An Open Letter to My Role Model:

There are so many words that have gone left unsaid. I wanted you to know it’s an honor and a privilege to have you as my mom. The teenage years were a little rough because of the “you just don’t understand me” phase, but we made it through.  I laugh now at how I thought I knew it all and didn’t have a clue.  Although I may not always say it, the things you’ve taught me over the years have come in handy in more ways than one.  I now realize the things you tried to teach me were for my own good. You didn’t want your precious daughter to go through any unnecessary heartaches and pains. Sadly, I didn’t listen in some situations but you never said the words “I told you so” as you could have easily done. Instead, you helped me through the situations and I learned through the school of hard knocks.

As an adult, I realize that I lived like a little princess compared to how some people grew up. I want to thank you for the “normal” childhood that so many others didn’t get a chance to enjoy. I grew up with two loving parents and got to experience life as it was meant to be.  Through your life example, you taught me so much. You taught me how to be the responsible adult I am now. You taught me how to be grateful.  You taught me how to be unselfish. You taught me how to think for myself. You taught me how to treat others like you want to be treated. You taught me that having faith in God will get you through the good times and bad. You taught me how to show compassion. You taught me how to be a caregiver. You taught me how to live and to love.

You’ve been my number one fan and during the times where I wanted to give up, you were the one who encouraged me. As we celebrate all mothers during the month of May, I wanted to publicly acknowledge to the world that I think I have the greatest mom.

Signed,

Shelia M Goss

Daughter of the Perfect Role Model

The Against All Odds 2008 Virtual Book Tour is stopping here today.  Niambi Brown Davis, debut author of From Dusk to Dawn, is our guest author/blogger today.  She has written an article titled I Love Music – Any Kind of Music that she is sharing with readers. She will also be dropping in during the day to leave comments, answer questions and find out what’s on our play list.  Additionally, check out her blog to find out how you can enter to win prizes including the beach bag created by main character, Ayo, FREE BOOKS and a few other prizes.  Click links to visit Niambi’s website and blog.

I Love Music – Any Kind of Music by Guest Blogger Niambi (Brown) Davis

For Christmas 2006 my family created a monster. They presented me with an I Pod Nano. That thin silver rectangle and I are joined at the hip – I do not leave home without it. In the vinyl, reel-to-reel and eight-track era, music lovers had to suffer through an entire album even if only two songs were worth listening to. But it is the 21^st century, and thanks to I Tunes and MP3 magic, all it takes is click and pay to build a custom play list.

Back in the day, the Ojays sang “I Love Music.” And I do – any kind of music. There is a little bit of everything on my play lists. I remember crossing the Chesapeake Bay Bridge on a bright and beautiful day with the sounds of Dizzy Gillespie and Sonny Stitt blowing in my ear. Did I really play my main man Luis Miguel 85 times in one month? And Russell Watkins, putting his glorious tenor to the classical “Nella Fantasia.” He is called “The Voice” for a reason! When I want to imagine myself in Old Havana, I mix a mojito and listen to the late Ibrahim Ferrer. That man’s voice was smooth like golden, aged rum. Cannot miss reggaeton or the Delta blues of Howlin’ Wolf and Son House.  I do love the harmonica and slide guitar.  Sometimes I am in the mood for the boisterous call of DJ Khaled or the Eastern-flavored rhythms of Panjabi MC. Of course, I love calypso, (Byron Lee wit’ de band) but the most-played of all are the Latin, from the old-school Hector Lavoe and the Fania All-Stars right up to the stars of 2008.

I listened to all of this while writing From Dusk to Dawn. And then I had a thought – instead of simply writing to music, why not create a musical journey through the lives of my characters – a play list that speaks to the love story of Ayo and Bilal at their happiest, through their challenge, the most trying and the happiest times of their lives. The idea turned into a CD that became part of my promotional give-away at Romance Slam Jam.  It was a real labor of love – after all, there are only so many songs to fit on one CD – maybe I should have made a double set! I left off Edith Piaf (whose story was one of this year’s Oscar-winning movies). But I did include The White Stripes – gotta give it to the white boy – he knows his way around a blues guitar! There’s some Jill Scott, some Etta James, some Phyllis Hyman and Wynton Marsalis, that genius with the golden horn. And I could not make a mix without Alex Torres y su Orquesta!

This is becoming a habit; I have got two books to follow – and I am already planning the next play lists!

But, enough about me–Shelia and readers, what’s on your play lists?

Niambi was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and raised on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. She and her family lived for many years in Washington, DC and for three and a half years, made the Republic of Trinidad & Tobago their home. She has written for Bronze Thrills, True Confessions and Black Romance Magazines. Niambi indulged her passion for sailing and travel by serving as publicist for the Black Boaters Summit and as a member of the National Association of Black Travel Writers. A script for her first digital novella has been accepted and published by Arrow Publications, LLC. Presently, Niambi writes for Travel Lady Magazine. Aside from travel and writing, Niambi is an avid reader of historical fiction, and deeply involved in tracing the history of both branches of her family tree. Her day job is running the business of Sand & Silk / Soleful Strut, her own line of handcrafted bath and body products.

These ladies careers have expanded over several decades (starting in the 1960s/early ’70s).  The Living Legends not only had hit songs during the early stages of their career, but they are still putting out hit songs.

DIANA ROSS

Diana Ross started off in the group The Supremes but eventually made a career as a solo artist.  Ms. Ross is one of the original Divas of music.  I have yet to see anyone top the concert she recorded for HBO years ago. 

TINA TURNER

If I could only have legs like Tina Turner. Ms. Turner overcame adversity and became a living legend. I’ve had to quote the lyrics from her song  - “What’s Love Got to Do With it?” on several occasions.

GLADYS KNIGHT

Gladys Knight, whether with or without the Pips, has a voice easily recognized by the young and old.  Her music is timeless. Anybody headed on the “Midnight Train to Georgia?”

PATTI LABELLE

Whether she’s singing R & B or Gospel, Patti Labelle gives it her all.   “If Only You Knew” is one of my favorite songs by Patti-Patti.

ARETHA FRANKLIN

Aretha Franklin isn’t known as the Queen of Soul for nothing.  She not only demands “R-E-S-P-E-C-T,” she gets it–her career has expanded over four decades just like the other ladies mentioned above. 

Honorable Mention - NATALIE COLE

When I get married, Natalie Cole’s song “Inseperable” will be played at my reception. 

These living legends are still going strong. Do you have favorites from those decades that are still putting out music that I didn’t mention here? 

Double Platinum

It’s Day 4 of music dedication week. Today’s feature - Divas from the 80’s & early 90’s - Are they Still Around or Did they Disappear?

ANITA BAKER

This songbird disappeared off the radar. I remember my first Anita Baker concert. I can’t remember who else performed but I can remember her sounding just as good in person as she did on her records.  

Toni Braxton

Toni Braxton has been performing in Las Vegas. I read on Eurweb.com that she had gotten sick so hopefully, she’s doing better.  I hope to catch one of her shows the next time I go to Vegas.

Sade

Sade’s music is still soothing to the soul. The Best of Sade is something I play on a regular basis. 

Whitney Houston

I can’t have a list of Divas from the 80s & 90s list and not mention Ms. Houston. Her voice couldn’t be touched back in the day.

Jennifer Holliday

Jennifer’s rendition of  ”And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” is still one of my favorite songs. This original dream girl can still blow.

Honorable Mention - Oletha Adams

Oletha Adams might not have been as mainstream as some of the other Divas, but she has a voice that sets her apart from some of the other women of her day.

Who were some of your favorite Divas from the 80s and early 90s?

Double Platinum

It’s Day 3 of music dedication week. Today’s feature - female rappers or rap groups from the 80’s & 90’s.

Salt N Pepa

I think it was 1985 or 1986 when I first heard about this rap duo who had young ladies around the world wanting to be just like them.

Queen Latifah/Yo-Yo/MC Lyte

Queen Latifah’s U.N.I.T.Y. and Ladies First became the women’s anthem for the day. Who can forget “Don’t mess with my yo-yo?” MC Lyte was clever on the microphone and had hits like Cappuccino and Ruff Neck. All three of the ladies collaborated on the Brandy “I Wanna Be Down” remix.

Lil‘ Kim/Da Brat/Angie Martinez/Missy Elliott/Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez

This video collaboration features rappers who were never afraid to push things to the edge and all rapped to their own beat. 

EVE

Eve’s been acting so some folks may have forgetten she started off as a rapper. Here’s Eve with Alicia Keys.

Mia X

It’s not surprising that this Louisiana rapper, Mia X, liked to get her ”shine” on like the man who helped put her on the map–Master P. Foxxy Brown joins her on this video.

Honorable Mention: Roxanne Shante came on the scene with the “dis record” Roxanne’s Revenge. For those who like hip-hop, you have to check out the full DVD of this clip.

The rap category for women was slim. Who was one of your favorite female rappers past or present?

It’s Day 2 of music dedication week here on the blog. There’s so much music out there that I’ve decided to split it up into two parts. This week it’ll be all about us ladies and the next time I do a music dedication week, it’ll be all about the men. Highlighted today are five female groups from the 80s & 90s.

TLC

T-Boz, Left Eye and Chili were the group to beat back in the day…they were hip and they were trendsetters. Left-Eye is missed.

EnVogue

This was probably one of the best girl groups of the time.  When this group broke up it shocked everyone. I would love to see a reunion CD with all the original members.

Klymaxx

We all paused when we saw a group of women who not only sang but played all the instruments in the band. Whether they were singing “The Men All Pause” or my other favorite “Divas Need Love Too” Klymaxx is one of my top favorite groups from this time.

Xscape

These Jermaine Dupree proteges were hip and could sang their butts off.  This is another group I hate broke up. Tiny’s been in the news because of her famous rapper boyfriend TI and one of the other ladies has been doing well as a songwriter. This is one of my favorites-Am I Dreaming - a collaboration with the group Ol’ School

Mary Jane Girls 

I had to add this group because me and high school friends performed one of their songs in a talent show. I thought I was grown.

Honarable Mention - Total

Members want to go solo. You hear maybe one CD and then nothing from them or the rest of the group. That’s been the fate of quite a few of the groups out from this period.

Who are some of your favorite girl groups from the 80s and 90s?

Double Platinum

This week will be music dedication week on the blog. So drop on by and take a trip down memory lane. To start it off, I’m posting my theme song and a song by a lady who shares my first name.

Double Platinum By Shelia M. Goss